I realized that it had been almost 3 years since I updated my DeviantArt Journal, and thought I might aquaint people with my 19-going-on-20 year old self, rather than my 16-going-on-17 year old self. The latter girl was, of course, worthwhile knowing , but her life isn't that interesting now that it is static, embedded in the past.

I've written a lot of poems since then, as you can tell. Maturity comes slowly, unfortunately, and many of them still display the restlnessness and angst of a teenager. Lately I have been getting embarassed by that, mainly because I feel I'm changing, and want to communicate truths more serious than the emotional truths of a teenager. Of course, the world of teenage experience is a very real one, and worthy of attention and explication. But it is slowly ceasing to be MY world. It's not just some age-dependent thing ("I'm turning 20 soon so I'd better start changing"). The deeper changes in me are always organic, it feels almost like God calls them forth from my soul. A beautiful gift, a fresh new worldview, that He fashions for me every once and a while .

This year so far has been a difficult one, but I think because I have been keeping a personal journal, I didn't feel the need so much to use poetry. Another reason is that I didn't think my experiences were worthy of being indulged and inscribed in a poem. I don't like writing about negative things so much anymore, because I am ashamed of lacking hope and joy. I want to be joy and sunshine to people...how can I be that when I am grieving inside? I'm not sure yet. There must be some way of merging authenticity with joy: I want to be honest in my experience of hopelessness, without it consuming me, and thereby those around me. But I haven't discovered how yet.